The process begins

Today, after about 8 months of flip flopping back and forth about what I was going to do with my life, I started my mission papers. It is a great feeling, I am full of happniess at my decision. The road to this point was confusing, full of stuggle and completed with prayer. Have you ever had a plan and in one, one short day have it destroyed? I started this year off not know what I was going to find, but I knew how I wanted it to end. Me entering the MTC. I planned it. I was ontrack to graduate with my Associates and take 18 months off to serve a mission. Everything was going perfect until, February 24, 2011. I met a boy. This is not a love story, it won't be ending with happily ever after, just stick with me okay. I saw him and instantly thought "Chelsey, maybe a mission is not for you."what the? I dismissed it, I wasn't going to miss out on this adventure because of some stupid boy. We talked maybe once over the next two weeks before we saw eachother again. We talked for a couple of hours, I found him to be funny, smart, athletic and heck I even thought he was cute. If I am being honest eventhough I wasn't really looking for a hubs, if I was, he would be the exact person I was looking for. My heart, however, was still thinking mission. We spent more time together, I told him my plans for graduating, and my desire to go on a mission. He thought that was pretty neat. Things kept interupting my plans. My plans for graduation fell through, I wasn't going to have my requirements done, my bank account was slowly losing the money I had put away for the 18 monhts I would be gone. I didn't even like my major I was so inlove with when I started. I had applied to other colleges incase the mission thing didn't work out. When I got accepted to multiple I didn't know which one I would chose. Ugh. I hate making decisions, and it just felt like I couldn't make the right ones. Mr. February didn't make anything better or easier. I could tell that I was falling for him, and I knew he was falling for me. I started to become okay with the idea of us, we hung out a lot, and for a while everything was fine. One night we were talking when I brought up the mission topic, and how my preparations were going. I confessed I didn't know what to do anymore. He told me I could only know through prayer and fasting. Which I did, a lot. I wasn't getting an answer, I wanted to serve a mission, but part of me wanted to stay and fall in love. I knew I couldn't do both. We had just spent a whole week of being inseperable. I saw him everyday, and loved it. I loved him, I know I did. One night we were walking. I told him I was still thinking of a mission. We stopped. His words cut "Chelsey, you know I won't wait for you right?" He pulled his hand out of mine and walked away. I continued on walking with tears streaming down my face, I needed my answer. For the next little while I prayed, fasted, went to the temple, and read the scriptures. I got what I thought was my answer, about three weeks after our walk. I went to his apartment, I told him we needed to talk so we went for a walk. He told me he was sorry for what he said but that he had something to tell me, I let him go first. He told me he had gone on a couple of dates with a girl, he wanted to continue to date her, "she is the girl I need...and want." I felt sick. I knew I should have gone first. My head was down, I raised my head to looked him in the face. I simply replied, "my answer was you." Oh man was that awkward. He asked why I hadn't told him sooner, well I didn't know he was going to fall inlove with the first girl he went on a date after me. I walked away muttering something about asking again. Ugh. He didn't try to stop me, he didn't call me, we didn't hang out anymore. I would seem him on campus, he'd say hi and be all cute again but then I would remember her. Have you ever watched someone you love with fall inlove with someone else? I felt dead. I cried myself to sleep almost everynight. I put on a good front so no one would know. I had no idea what I was doing with my life. I finally broke down and called the only person who knew the whole story. She told me to ask again but to "ask the right question." Bah, typical. I was asking the right question. I kneeled down that night, and asked Heavenly Father what I needed to do from here. Nothing. Whatever. I continued going to class, not really hearing what anyone was saying, I didn't really care about learning. Stupid boy, ugh. The next Wednesday I was walking through the MC and spotted the Sister Missionary booth. I felt the need to stop. I listened to them talk, listened to them share their simple testimony. I asked if it was worth it to them, and the reasons they chose to serve a mission. One of them looked me in the eye and told me "because I needed to." For the first time in a really long time I felt peace. I knelt down when I got home and confirmed my decision with my Heavenly Father and felt his arms surround me with love. From there it became clear that a mission was my answer all along. Things started working out again. I was still hurting, but I needed this. I don't know why He made it so complicated, or if there was a purpose. As much as I hate to admit it I haven't stopped loving him. I dread the day they get married, and it's her he spends eternity with instead of me. I know one day I will find my own new and improved Mr. February but still, his loss right? Sometimes our plans change, we go through a time of uncertainty, but it is only because it helps us see what we truly need. It is for our growth, and learning. Everyday I learn more about what He has instore for me. While I didn't know if I would make it this far with my plans, I'm really glad I did. I don't know exactly what is going to happen but for now, I hope they call me on a mission. I am ready.